Updated: May 7
I found myself staring up at the ceiling with the overwhelming feeling of tiredness washing over me yet sleep never came. I fished for my phone in the dark. My hand swiped repeatedly across the plush duvet before the tips of my fingers grazed the cool metal of my phone, sending it crashing onto the hardwood floor with a loud thud. I winced and groaned, lazily hanging off the side as I once again began blindly searching for the object.
The bright light blinded me before I could turn it down, only to be relieved that it was 3 am.
No new notifications.
My sigh of disappointment triggered a new emotion, irritation.
I needed sleep!
I slept an estimated ten hours this week.
Padding my way down to the kitchen, the sounds of my bare feet hitting the heated floors of my newly renovated apartment echoed through the darkness.
The hollow feeling in my chest only seemed to grow when I was alone.
I told myself that I didn’t miss her.
I told myself that this was good for me. Good for the both of us, and that codependence will only hinder us going forward.
I just did not know life without her by my side, literally.
We had been best friends since birth.
More than that even. There was no word in the English language to describe our bond.
I prepared the tea in the dark in fear that the light would flush away any bit of sleep I may have had in me.
I would have called her. But it had been a month since we said our goodbyes and she didn’t seem the least bit phased so I wasn't going to break first.
I hoped she was suffering more than I was. I pushed away the selfish thought with a shake of my head.
“I do not have any ill wishes for her.” I sort of lied, slamming my fists on the counter. I did want her to hurt a little. For my own sanity.
I had been through plenty of breakups, friendships and relationships, but none felt like this.
Carefully placing the empty mug on the coffee table, I sunk into the plush couch. Laying on my side, I faced her framed picture.
My mind began to recall the day she gave me that photo.
Like being placed in a trance I was unable to tear myself away.
Graduation day. She had just picked up her photos from the photographer and was going to hand them over to her recently divorced parents.
I snatched one out of the folder, not bothering to look at it, and slipped it into my glove compartment. I recalled how worried she was, cursing at me, as she took out an identical photo from the other packet.
They needed to be the same. She couldn’t be seen showing favoritism when she needed them both financially to put her through college debt free.
I felt myself drifting off and I welcomed it with open arms.
Bright light pierced through my closed eyelids, jolting me awake. My hand shot up, shielding my face.
As I tried to reorient myself with my surroundings, I heard hushed voices and laughter in the distance.
The cool grass was nice against my heated skin but my back felt sore from laying on the hardened earth.
The air smelt … crisp and fresh. The kind you only get in the countryside or on hilltops.
I had no idea where I was.
I laid in a picturesque garden with flowers, groomed hedges, trees and a fountain in the center of it all.
In the distance was a beautiful manner. So large and extravagant. I sat fully erect in confusion. No one was around, no sounds could be heard but the chirping of birds and rustling of leaves in the wind.
I was still wearing the sweat pants and hoodie I went to sleep in.
What was happening?
Was I sleepwalking now? It felt like I only shut my eyes for a second.
In the corner of my eye, I saw two figures round the side of the mansion and disappear into a vine covered tunnel.
I was compelled to go to them and my feet moved on their own accord.
The tunnel was beautiful, the rays of sunlight peeked through the greenery and kissed the cobblestone floors. It felt like a scene from a movie, everything perfectly constructed.
They were near the end of the tunnel, hand in hand, running.
The smaller figure held the skirts of her gown with one hand whilst holding onto his with the other.
I took note of the sword on his hip and crown resting on top of his curly, dark locks.
They look so familiar.
I quietly tailed them.
Confused and lost, I stood frustrated in the middle of a forest.
What the fuck was this? Where am I?
After exiting the tunnel I followed along the cleared path to my right but they were nowhere in sight.
Mindlessly, I began searching for them.
I felt panic set in and my heart rate sped up.
There was a drastic drop in temperature causing goosebumps to run up my arms.
I must be dreaming?
I finally was able to fall asleep and now I was having a nightmare.
The pounding of my heart felt real. So did the anxiety.
Trying to retrace my steps, I heard what sounded like my voice carried in the wind. I froze.
I had not said a word. I was following a man with a sword after all.
I started in the direction it came from.
I was led to an open meadow near a lake.
The two figures were barley shielded under the cover the drooping branches of the willow tree. The rays of sunlight showed like crystals on the surface of the water.
Everything about this place was too perfect. Unnaturally perfect.
“Nilah?” I whispered in confusion as I saw a man that looked like myself push her against the large willow tree, encasing her with his body.
I studied their profiles closely.
The cover of her nose, fullness of her lips and most importantly, the mole on my neck.
The two people I followed were us?
The intimacy of their interaction through me through a loop.
It felt- wrong.
I was having an out of body experience.
“Nilah.” Her name was said again by the same voice that led me here.
Distinctly my voice spoken from his lips.
“Nathaniel.” Her voice sounded like a plea. Breathy and soft.
She looks up at me; Him. The motion brings their faces closer.
He stroked her soft cheek and my already heavily pounding heart raced. It was like I could smell her, feel her against me.
I felt at war with myself. Part of me felt like this was wrong.
Wrong of me to dream of her- like this.
Wrong of me to like it.
Before I could fully process the emotions raging through me, he kissed her.
It was brief, our eyes fluttered closed at the contact but she leaned into me as I pulled away.
“Fuck.” I cursed under my breath. I reached my hands up to my lips, the tingling sensation lingered.
My confusion slowly turned into intrigue.
They stared at each other as if they were contemplating their next moves.
I watched as he raised the hem of her gown, moving slowly to give her ample time to deny him, exposing the soft, smooth flesh of her thighs.
He softly caressed her exposed flesh as if she would break.
Her cool palm cupped the back of my neck, his neck, and she brought him in for another kiss and I felt the wind being knocked out of me. Crouching down, I made sure they couldn’t see me.
I let out a soft yelp of pain when my arm was grazed by a thorn.
Peaking out from the bushes, they seemed to not have heard me.
“I’m not dreaming.” I whispered to myself.
Where was I and why can I feel-
Why do they look like us?
Her fingers were in his hair as he deepened the kiss, wantonly tossing the crown onto the forest floor. My hands migrate further up her thigh and dip between them.
She and I exhaled simultaneously.
The more I look on, the stronger the sensation of being pulled to them gets.
I had no idea what was happening to me and I had no control over any of this.
If I had-
“Please.” He pleaded into her ear, his fingers pumping in and out of her whilst holding her still.
I could hear the sounds of her wetness.
Her lips parted, releasing a soft moan of pleasure and I felt something break in me.
Her chest rose and fell rapidly.
She slips a bit down the tree trunk, her thighs quivering and becoming weaker as the sensation builds.
“Please, Nilah.” His lips pressed against her temple.
I knew what he wanted.
I felt no shame in wanting it as well.
Her hands that were clutching onto the lapels of his coat, gripped his forearm to still his movements but he persisted.
The moans grew louder. Causing my cock to twitch.
She leaned into him, muffling her own sounds as she orgasmed.
His lips trailed over the exposed flesh of her shoulder and neck.
“I am yours, Nilah.” The words sounded like he was in pain.
I feel heat rush up my body at the sight of her. The sound of her whimpers as she comes down from her high. The beads of sweat along her neck and the flush of her cheeks.
She finally looks him in the eyes, chest heaving.
He got the answer he pleaded for.
With one motion, he scooped her up in his arms and in the next, laid her on a bed of grass further from the lakebed.
She made quick work of stripping him of his coat and shirt.
Flipping her over, he carefully unlace her corset, exposing her breasts to me.
My eyes widened and my mouth went dry.
I crouched lower to ensure I wasn’t seen.
The dress fell off of her and he and I both admired her nakedness.
I needed to look away.
This was too much.
Going too far.
I should look away yet my cock hardened, straining against my boxers.
She straddles him.
Soft mounds of flesh fit perfectly into his hands, with some spilling over.
Her brown nipples pebbled.
With the right one in his open mouth, he maneuvers himself beneath her to lower his trousers and releases himself.
The birthmark on her lower abdomen and the curve and hugh of my cock told me everything.
They were us.
I must be dreaming.
Why was I dreaming of this?
Was I just going to watch and let this happen?
I felt my anxiety levels rise and we buried ourselves into my best friend.
The moan of pleasure we emitted rattled through the forest. I could feel her tightness envelope me. I gripped the branch with so much force, snapping it in my palm.
The pulsing of her walls making room for our cock had me releasing a shaky breath.
She holds us close, in her squatted position whilst we thrusted up into her at a slow and torturous pace.
The mix of our moans showed deep seated passion and desire that had been building for a long time.
The pull took hold of me.
I blacked out for a moment.
I was no longer a bystander.
I gazed down at her; She was recovering from her second orgasm. Laying on her side.
I needed more. Just a little more and I would block this from my memory.
Lifting her legs, bringing her knees to her ears.
I bit my lip at the sight of her wet pussy dripping with my semen. Swiping my finger across her opening, I pushed my cum back inside of her.
I- I- was at a loss for words.
I had never seen her in this light. She was sexy. Erotic.
Holding her ankles in one hand I brought my head down and kissed her lips before taking a long lick. The tip of my tongue flicked the swollen and sensitive clit causing her to shudder.
“You like that?” I asked, looking up at her from my position.
Her eyes rolled back and she drew her bottom lip into her mouth.
“Yes, my king.”
“Good, princess.” I praised her.
Smacking my cock against her entrance I smiled at her stunned reaction.
“Hold your legs.” I commanded.
She does as instructed.
I rubbed slow circles over her clit whilst teasing her entrance, stretching her with the head of my cock but not yet diving into her.
We locked eyes. I could see the longing for me as I longed for her.
“You will be the death of me.” I told her seriously before sinking into her once again.
I laid my weight onto her.
The only thing that could be heard was the wet slapping of our bodies.
I felt nothing but pure ecstasy and happiness at that moment.
Her whimpers were maddening.
I held her tightly, releasing thick spurts of my cum into her and feeling my body weaken.
Loud blaring sounds pulled me back to reality and I was back in my living room, on the couch, facing her portrait.
The feeling of shame took over as I tried to calm my rapidly beating heart.
Rolling onto my back, I turned the framed picture face down onto the table.
"Fuck my life."